When Your Brother or Sister Hurts

If you’ve been in church for a while, you’ve probably heard discussions about being hurt by church. You may have heard prescriptions (helpful or unhelpful) for responding when you’ve been hurt.

But what about when the injured person is someone else in your faith community?

Ministering to a hurting church member can be daunting. We might not be sure how to help. We might fear making things worse or getting dragged into a fight. We might believe the person’s feelings are unjustified and prefer to let them simmer until they come to their senses.

It’s true that some situations are out of our hands, and that well-meaning but misguided “help” can do more harm than good. And, yes, sometimes people hurt as a result of their own error.

But we should never be insensitive to a fellow believer’s pain. Even when we can’t fix their situation or heal their hurt, we can minister to them simply by showing our love and care.

I’ve written before about how to handle conflict between yourself and a fellow believer. Here, we’ll look at ways to respond when you know or suspect a brother or sister in Christ is hurting.

Read them prayerfully, and ask the Holy Spirit if and how He’d like you to proceed.

Reach out.

When hurt, people tend to self-protect. They may stay silent or avoid contact.

They might be trying to keep the peace. They might not be sure how to handle the situation. If the person who hurt them is powerful or popular, they might fear repercussions for speaking about the issue—or wonder if they have a right to speak.

As members of God’s family, purchased with Christ’s blood, indwelt by the Holy Spirit, all Christians have the right to express their concerns. When one church member suffers, the whole church suffers (1 Corinthians 12:25–26). The Bible commands that we bear with our struggling brothers and sisters (Galatians 6:2, Ephesians 4:32, Hebrews 13:1–3) and that sin against a fellow believer be addressed (Matthew 5:23–26, 18:15–17).

Unfortunately, not everyone grasps this. Even when they do, addressing conflict or confiding pain takes courage and faith—faith in Scripture and faith in the church community.

So if you think your brother or sister might be hurting, don’t assume they’ll ask for help. Instead, reach out!

Let them know you’re thinking of them. Ask them how they are. If they’ve been out of church, let them know you miss them.

Don’t guilt them into talking to you or coming back. But let them know you’re there for them. Show them you care about them, not just as a statistic on the membership roll, but as a sibling in Christ.

Sometimes, that’s enough to give them the courage they need.

Listen.

This is the hard part. People know that—and often choose silence because they don’t think others will listen.

If your brother or sister chooses to confide in you, honor that. Listen—really listen—to what they have to say. Ask appropriate questions. Repeat what they said to make sure you understand.

You might hear things that surprise, upset, or offend you. Resist the temptation to interrupt or argue. Remember that, right now, your goal is to understand the other person’s perspective.

Even in small churches, no one sees or knows everything. Use discernment, but be open to what’s on your brother or sister’s heart.

Offer support.

Sometimes all a hurting person needs is to relieve their pain in words. Other times, they need more.

Ask how you can support the person. If they need wisdom, point them to resources. If they need encouragement, remind them of their Savior’s love and care. If they need hard truth, speak it in love.

If they’re in conflict with another believer, offer to study with them how the Scriptures address conflict. If they need a third party to meet with them and their opponent, offer to help them identify a suitable godly, trustworthy candidate. If they’re in a serious situation or have had a crime committed against them, offer to help them find professional help.

And if they feel it’s best to seek a new church community, support their search. Check in on their progress. Encourage them to connect somewhere, even if it’s not your church.

Remember that the ultimate goal is their spiritual well-being. Do what you can to help them toward that.

You can’t and shouldn’t be their only support. But as their brother or sister in Christ, you’re called to love them and build them up as God gifts you.

Pray for and with them.

The most valuable gift you can give someone is prayer. If you can give other things as well, do so. But never neglect to give this.

Before reaching out, pray for the person. Once you’ve heard them out, offer to pray together then and there. After you’ve parted, remember them in your prayers.

Thank God for the person. Ask Him to give them wisdom and healing. Ask Him for anything else they might need. Ask Him to show them His love and His will for them.

As you seek to help them, pray for yourself, too. Pray for the understanding, discernment, and love you need to minister to God’s child.

God knows you both intimately and understands the situation better than anyone. He’ll give you (and them) what you need to do what He wants you to do.

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Whether or not you currently know someone who’s hurting, take a moment right now to pray for your church family. Pray for peace and harmony among members. Even more, pray for love.

Pray for love that withstands disagreement and navigates tension with grace. Love that knows when to laugh at our mess and when to put its foot down. Love that forgives seventy times seven offenses. Love that fights for its family, even when the enemy is its own ego. Love that sees behind the face of every fellow Christian a soul for whom Christ died.

And once you’ve prayed for such love, live it out.

‘Which of these three do you think proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of the robbers?’
‘The one who showed mercy to him,’ he said.
Then Jesus told him, ‘Go and do the same.’

Luke 10:36–37 CSB

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Scripture quotations marked CSB have been taken from the Christian Standard Bible®, Copyright © 2017 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Christian Standard Bible® and CSB® are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers.