Blessed Are the Bridge-Builders

One of the countless blessings God bestows through Jesus is a place in His family.

In the Church, He brings Christ-followers together to build each other up. Its members have the privilege of praying together, worshiping together, studying His Word together, serving together, and sharing their gifts, struggles, and insights. They provide each other encouragement, support, comfort, and more in their walk with Jesus.

But when we humans—even Christians—come together for any reason, at some point we’ll encounter conflict. On this side of eternity, you can’t have relationship without tension. To truly come alongside someone, you come alongside their worst as well as their best—and you bring your own worst with you. And even at their best, no two people see the world exactly the same way.

I’ve written in the past about conflicts over beliefs and practices. In this post, we’ll look at conflicts over perceived wrongs—when one Christian wrongs another.

But first, a few caveats: I write this post as someone who’s still learning what it means to approach conflict resolution biblically. I’m not a trained or professional counselor. Further, I don’t presume to address situations involving abuse or criminal behavior. For that, you should consider seeking professional counsel.

But I wanted to explore the topic of biblical conflict resolution here because, more and more, I believe mastering it is vital for the health of the Church. When we think about threats to the faith, we tend to focus on outside threats like social and political trends. But I believe greater danger lies in church dysfunction, unaddressed sin among Christians, and doctrinal error. Jesus promised His followers persecution and hardship; He also promised the Church’s endurance in the face of such challenges. Most of His teaching and the biblical writings of His earliest followers focus rather on explaining the gospel and how believers are to live. And the two features that most define us are our faith in the gospel…and our love for our Christian brothers and sisters. Love is humble and kind…and it speaks truth and gives accountability in the interest of the beloved’s spiritual welfare.

So when it comes to handling conflict among Christ-followers, what does the Bible say?

1. Assess Yourself

Whether someone has hurt you or has been hurt by you, your first move should be inward. Regardless of the situation, you want to handle it in a God-honoring way. And that begins with checking in with Him and yourself.

Start by laying out all your thoughts and feelings to God. Be honest—He can handle it. He understands. He cares.

Then let Him take charge. Ask Him to examine your heart and show you any places that need attention. If He does, confess them and ask Him to help you address them.

When you’ve been wronged, this process will include declaring forgiveness. That can feel impossible. The good news is, forgiveness isn’t simply a feeling—it’s an action. It’s a conscious decision to cancel the debt the other person owes you, and to let God right the balance as He sees fit. And if we ask God’s help to forgive, He will give it.

As we’ll see in a moment, forgiveness doesn’t condone sin or rule out accountability. Rather, it frees us to live an abundant, God-honoring life regardless of others’ actions or outcomes. And it positions us closer to God, who forgives all the sins of every repentant sinner who claims Christ as their only hope for redemption.

2. Seek Discernment

Once we’ve tended our hearts, we can ask God for the next step.

Sometimes the next step is to simply move on. While examining ourselves, we might discover that our anger and pain actually came from something else—for example, a bad day preceding the incident, or an unfair assumption on our part. Or we might determine that the offense was too inconsequential to warrant further action. Not every issue is worth a confrontation. And not every issue is ours to confront.

Even if God wants you to address the issue, His plan for addressing it might look different from yours. So listen and be open.

To help you discern His will, pray and study His Word. Check out resources from godly, biblical, reputable sources. If the situation is especially difficult, consider seeking wise, trustworthy, discreet counsel. If a situation is within your church and involves corporate issues, check your church’s bylaws to see what procedures are in place for addressing such issues.

In all situations, “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.” (James 1:19b-20 CSB) Let God take charge, trusting Him to lead you rightly.

3. Address the Conflict

So, you’ve tended your heart and sought discernment. You believe that more is needed to mend the relationship or prevent future harm. And you believe God is nudging you to approach the other person.

In that case, as you continue to pray, consider the following.

If you’ve been wronged…

In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus gives clear, practical steps for dealing with a fellow Christian who has wronged you:

1. Talk to the person privately. If they don’t repent…
2. Bring one or two fellow church members with you to talk to them. If they don’t repent…
3. Present the matter to the church. If they still don’t repent…
4. Treat them like they aren’t a Christian.

That last step might seem a bit harsh. But remember: Repentance is at the heart of the Christian life. Every human is a sinner. A Christian is simply a sinner who has repented and committed themselves to Jesus—and who continues to do so, because we battle sin until we meet Jesus face to face. Unrepentance is antithetical to who we are and what we believe.

Further, the Church exists for God’s glory, not our temporal comfort. Its actions communicate to all who listen what does and doesn’t glorify God and honor Christ. This serves the eternal good of all involved: It acts as a reminder to its members, a witness to the world, and correction to the unrepentant. And the resulting discomfort to the latter just might reach them in a way words couldn’t. If so, as Jesus says, “you have won your brother.” (Matthew 18:15c CSB)

Finally, treating someone like a non-Christian doesn’t mean being mean. The Bible tells us to treat everyone with kindness and respect. With non-believers, we simply assume they don’t know Jesus, so we seek to witness to them. And they lack biblical church membership.

If someone thinks you’ve wronged them…

What if you’re the one whom others feel wronged by?

Again, Jesus is clear and practical: Go make peace with them. ASAP. (Matthew 5:23-26)

He doesn’t say “only if they have a good reason”. He doesn’t say “only if you know you’ve sinned”. His only qualification? That you know someone has something against you.

And He doesn’t say “go explain why they’re wrong” or “go convince them you’re really a great person”. He tells us to reconcile.

Depending on the situation, that might look different. If you know you’ve sinned, it will involve confessing and repenting, if you haven’t already. If you don’t think you’ve sinned, it might involve trying to understand each other and/or discussing how to better show Christ’s love to each other in the future. If you’re in a professional relationship, it will likely mean seeking better ways to communicate and work together with God’s glory in mind.

Whatever the case…

Regardless of who’s in the wrong, there are some things Scripture prohibits when it comes to handling conflict. For example, we are not to…

• harbor anger or bitterness (Galatians 5:19-21; Ephesians 4:26-27, 31; Colossians 3:8; 1 Timothy 2:8; Hebrews 12:15; James 1:19-20)
• talk maliciously about the other person (Ephesians 4:31; Colossians 3:8; James 3:9-10; 1 Peter 2:1)
• disrespect or harass the other person (Romans 13:7; Galatians 6:1; Ephesians 4:1-3; Colossians 3:12-13; 2 Timothy 2:24-26, 4:2; Titus 3:1-2; 1 Peter 2:16-17)
• consider ourselves morally superior or entitled (Matthew 7:1-5; Romans 12:9-10, 16; Galatians 6:3-5; Philippians 2:3)
• withhold accountability because of the other person’s status (Leviticus 19:15; Deuteronomy 1:17; 1 Timothy 5:19-21)
• condemn the other person as being beyond the redeeming power of God (Luke 6:37; Romans 14:10-13)

Bottom line: We’re to show love, even when things are broken.

We’re to imitate the character of our Father, the great Peacemaker. God, who owes no one anything, offers reconciliation to a race of creatures who’ve wronged Him from history’s beginning. And once reconciled, He calls and enables them to reconcile with each other.

Not everyone accepts our offer of reconciliation, just as not everyone accepts His. But that doesn’t stop Him from extending it with loving hope. And it shouldn’t stop us.

So prayerfully pursue peace—and trust God with the outcome.

Now may the God who gives endurance and encouragement grant you to live in harmony with one another, according to Christ Jesus, so that you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ with one mind and one voice.

Romans 15:5-6 CSB

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Scripture quotations marked CSB have been taken from the Christian Standard Bible®, Copyright © 2017 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Christian Standard Bible® and CSB® are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers.